Cupla

Tag: sex expert

  • Welcome Our Newest Relationship Expert – Chelsey Liaga

    Welcome Our Newest Relationship Expert – Chelsey Liaga

    We’re excited to welcome Chelsey Liaga, our newest relationship expert, to the Cupla team alongside Jessica Maxwell. Chelsey is a dedicated couples counselor who is set to bring fresh insights and valuable advice to our community.

     

    Meet Chelsey Liaga:

    Chelsey comes to us with a wealth of knowledge and experience in the field of relationship counseling. With a master’s degree in Social Work from Arizona State University, she has honed her skills in helping couples navigate the complex landscape of relationships.

    Her approach as a therapist focuses on empowering couples to find greater satisfaction in their partnerships, especially when they feel they lack the tools to do so on their own.

    Known for her practical relationship resources and expertise in couples therapy, Chelsey’s perspective is sure to provide valuable insights for navigating the ups and downs of contemporary relationships.

    We are confident that her contributions will be an invaluable asset to our amazing users like you.

     

    What Chelsey Brings to the Table

    Chelsey’s expertise spans a wide range of relationship topics, including:

    • Communication strategies for couples
    • Conflict resolution techniques
    • Building and maintaining intimacy
    • Navigating major life transitions together
    • Overcoming trust issues

    Her practical, empathetic approach to relationship counseling has helped numerous couples rediscover the spark in their relationships and build stronger, more resilient partnerships.

     

    How You Can Benefit from Chelsey’s Expertise

    As we welcome Chelsey to our team, we’re excited about the wealth of knowledge and support she’ll be offering to our community. Here’s how you can make the most of her expertise:

    1. Regular Blog Posts: Look out for Chelsey’s insightful articles on our blog, where she’ll be sharing tips, advice, and strategies for healthier relationships.
    2. Q&A Sessions: We’ll be hosting regular Q&A sessions where you can submit your relationship questions for Chelsey to answer.
    3. Relationship Resources: Chelsey will be developing exclusive resources for our community, including worksheets, guides, and exercises to strengthen your relationship.
    4. Webinars and Workshops: Keep an eye out for upcoming online events where Chelsey will dive deep into specific relationship topics.

     

    Shape the Conversation: Your Input Matters

    We believe that the best relationship advice comes from addressing real concerns and questions from our community.

    That’s why we’re inviting you to share your thoughts on what you’d like to see from Chelsey in the coming months.

    Do you have burning questions about maintaining a long-distance relationship?

    Are you curious about the best ways to reignite passion in a long-term partnership?

    Or perhaps you’re looking for strategies to improve communication with your significant other?

    Whatever your relationship concerns or interests, we want to hear from you! Your input will directly shape the content Chelsey creates, ensuring that it’s relevant, timely, and truly beneficial to you and your relationship. Comment below or head to our instagram to share your thoughts!

     

    Connect with Chelsey

    We encourage you to explore Chelsey’s work and connect with her online. You can find more of her valuable insights and resources on her website, My Friend the Therapist. Here, you’ll discover a treasure trove of articles, tools, and advice to support your relationship journey.

     

    Looking Ahead: Exciting Times for Our Relationship Community

    The addition of Chelsey Liaga to our team of experts marks an exciting new chapter in our mission to support and nurture healthy, fulfilling relationships.

    Together with Jessica Maxwell, Chelsey will be at the forefront of bringing you the latest research, practical advice, and compassionate guidance in the realm of relationships.

    We can’t wait for you to benefit from Chelsey’s advice and tips! Her fresh perspective, combined with her extensive experience, promises to offer new insights and strategies for navigating the complexities of modern relationships.

    Here’s to stronger, happier relationships with the expert guidance of Chelsey and our entire team of relationship professionals!

    Learn More About Chelsey
    Learn More About Chelsey
  • How Men and Women Do-and Don’t-Differ in Sexual Desire 

    How Men and Women Do-and Don’t-Differ in Sexual Desire 

    Pop quiz: True or False?

    Men think about sex more than women?

    Men’s sexual desire declines faster than women’s in a relationship?

    Women don’t care about sexual novelty?

    Did you have trouble coming up with an answer to these questions? Or maybe you even feel a bit icky stereotyping men and women when trying to answer. If so, you are not alone. The topic of gender differences in sexual desire is hotly debated among researchers themselves. And as you’ll see, a lot depends on what we mean when we say “sexual desire”.

    Men think about sex more than women

    Growing up, I remember hearing in the schoolyard that “Men think about sex every six seconds” (there was even a song from my favorite boy band about it). As you might expect, research does not support the “6-second” timeframe. But, it is true that throughout the day, men think about sex more often than women. 

    Before you conclude that men are more sex-crazed than women, the headlines leave out an important other half of the study: Men also think about their other biological urges (i.e., sleep and hunger) more times a day than women!1 So, it is misleading to take the fact that men think about sex more than women to conclude that men are constantly horny and thinking about nothing else but sex. 

    Having said that, meta-analyses (that combine across hundreds of studies) find that, on average, men report a higher sex drive than women. When we say sex drive here, think things like how often you have sexual thoughts and fantasies, and how often you masturbate. These measures typically capture trait sexual desire, and a spontaneous desire for sex. Do you strongly agree with items like “I enjoy thinking about having sex with my partner” and “I have a strong sex drive”? If so, you would be higher in this form of sexual desire. 

    But as we mentioned last blog (refresh yourself on chemistry 101), spontaneous desire isn’t the most common way we feel desire in long-term relationships. Often desire is responsive, meaning we might feel it when the context is ripe for experiencing pleasure. There is also tons of variability within each gender, and overall, men and women may be more alike than they are different. There are plenty of man/woman couples where the woman is higher desire than the man. But to summarize, if we think of sexual desire as a spontaneous want for sex, then yes, men tend to be higher than women. 

    Whose desire declines first in a relationship?

    Men and women also differ in how that—want to rip your clothes off—desire changes over time. While we may think men’s libido dwindles when they get into a long-term committed relationship, women’s desire tends to decline first. (Note most of this research only speaks to man/woman couples). In some of my research, my collaborators and I saw that women’s desire tended to decrease during the first four years of marriage, whereas men’s desire tended to stay constant. And this was true for couples who became new parents and those who remained child-free (aka even though we know babies can wreak havoc on couple’s sex lives, babies can’t take the full blame here!). 

    So, at least in our research, not only were men starting marriage with more desire than women, but they typically maintained this higher desire. And the kicker is that women’s declining desire made both themselves and their partners feel worse about their relationship. To me, this signals something important: Even though people may disagree on the best way to measure “desire”, it is clear that what was happening in the bedroom for women affected the newlyweds’ feelings about their broader relationship.

    How can we foster desire in relationships?

    One important thing to clarify here—there is absolutely nothing wrong with having lower sexual desire than your partner, and it’s normal for sexual desire to change day to day, and with time. But, if you are interested in trying to combat declines in desire, we need to consider why women may experience lower desire in the first place. There are many reasons for this, from hormones, to being more stressed, to taking on more household labour, and needing to parent their partner (which is never sexy!). 

    Some of these reasons for lower desire are more easily changeable than others. And as I’m sure you’ve clued in by now….sexual desire in relationships is complex–there is no one reason women may be lower in desire than men, and there are no universal ‘fixes’. One small step that may help is to take some tasks off the woman’s plate to help reduce stress (using to-do lists may help), which can help put her more in the mood for sex. 

    Something you might not expect is that women may need more novelty in their sex lives than people assume. In fact, those declines in women’s desire I mentioned earlier actually bounce back when women get into a new relationship. And women cite being too familiar with a partner as a reason their passion wanes. Obviously, we aren’t advocating switching partners 😉 so how else can you bring in novelty? Switch up your sexual routine (we give some pointers here), or inject your relationship with new experiences (adventurous date night anyone?). 

    My parting thought: To me it’s not important how many seconds a day you think about sex, or if you feel constant urges to proposition your partner, it’s how much you enjoy sex when you have it.

    1.  Fisher et al., 2012; NBC news article 
    2.  Petersen & Hyde, 2010; Gender Differences in Sex Drive
    3.  McBride & Kwee, 2017
    4. McNulty et al., 2019;  Why Marital Success Depends on Women’s Sexual Desire
    5. Testosterone and Sex Difference;  Heteronormativity theory
    6. Why a New Partner Boosts Your Sex Life
  • Reigniting the Spark – How to Reconnect with Your Partner

    Reigniting the Spark – How to Reconnect with Your Partner

    Every satisfying long-term relationship has a passionate, romantic spark at its center. But, that spark can flicker and fade over time, oftentimes because of no specific fault. Especially when you’re not sure how to reconnect with your partner. Kids enter the picture, you both become busy with your careers and date nights slip to the wayside.

    Whatever the case for your relationship, you need to know how to reconnect with your partner if you hope to stay committed and loving in the long term. Let’s begin!

    Read More: Booking Date Night is Key to Relationship Happiness

    Have an Honest, Open Conversation

    If you’ve noticed that you and your partner seem to be drifting apart – then it’s time for a talk. Maybe you don’t really talk  much or share kisses during the day any more? Perhaps your sex life has become practically nonexistent? The first step could be to schedule an afternoon or evening to have an honest and  open conversation with your partner about  where you both stand.

    In that conversation, tell them what you’ve been feeling. Express that you miss them and want to feel connected to them like you did at the beginning of your relationship. Above all else, try not to blame yourself or your partner – in many cases, relationships drifting apart happen naturally with time. Especially when you don’t have the tools to prioritize your relationship  in your life. But fortunately, it’s also something you can correct with the right attention.

    On the flip side, if your partner says they are feeling disconnected,  truly listen to them and try to identify the source of the issue (e.g., are you spending too much time answering work emails at night?) Acknowledge what they feel, and brainstorm ways you can take actions to improve your connection. 

    Use Cupla to Plan Regular Date Nights

    After you and your partner agree that you want to reconnect, you should focus on the number 1 best way to regain the spark you had earlier in your relationship: date nights. That’s right! Several studies indicate that planning date nights can promote closeness and improve your relationship satisfaction[1].

    Whether you have kids, or are e busy with work, prioritising one-on-one time with your partner is vital. Regular date nights:

    • Give you a chance to flirt, tease, and strike up some romantic tension like you enjoyed at the beginning stages of your relationship [2]
    • Signale to your partner that you want to spend exclusive, romantic time with them
    • Free up some time away from your kids, chores, and other responsibilities so you can just be a spouse or significant other

    The reason date nights have such a big impact? Quality time is a huge predictor of relationship closeness and satisfaction. Using two nationally representative samples of American couples, researchers found that, relative to couples who spend less quality time together, married couples who reported engaging in couple time with their partner at least once a week were 3.5 more likely to report they were very happy in their relationship. [3]

    Planning quality time and date nights is easier than you think, especially if you use a great couples app like Cupla. Cupla allows you to sync up your schedules and share important dates and events with your partner, all from a shared calendar. Even better, you and your partner can make date night suggestions and plan your romantic evenings together well beforehand.

    With Cupla, going on dates regularly again will be easier than ever, and you’ll eagerly anticipate each romantic evening in your future!

    Create Couples Rituals – and Stick to Them!

    Couples rituals don’t have to be serious or high-intensity. In a nutshell, couples rituals are just tasks or habits that you and your partner perform together regularly.

    For instance, maybe you and your partner both work separate jobs and only see each other in the evening. Instead of retreating to your phones, maybe you and your partner can cook dinner and clean the kitchen together instead. 

    This basic couple’s ritual will help you feel more connected than before, just by spending time together again, joking around, and tackling the shared work of your lives. 

    Set Aside a Little Time Each Day for Your Relationship

    In keeping with the above, you and your partner should spend a little time together each day where you don’t do a chore or complete a task. Sit on the couch together and watch a TV show, or eat dinner at the table and talk about your days rather than consume media.

    The point is to unify your lives where they might have been separating before. By setting aside a bit of time each day and dedicating that time to your relationship, you further signal that your relationship matters to you, which can help your partner prioritize your relationship as well.

    Cheer Your Partner On

    Couples report that having a partner who cheers them on – both literally and figuratively –  improves their relationship happiness. If your partner has something great happen – a job promotion, an exciting race or they try something new – cheer them on and support them! [4] This can also look like smaller gestures such as making an effort to support them by doing some extra chores, complimenting them, and giving them small gifts from time to time.

    After all, cheering your partner on is important for the health of your relationship, their self-esteem, and their interest in you as a partner (particularly for women, according to certain studies[5]). It’s also a good way to feel more connected to your partner, even if you are the giver and they are the receiver. It’s almost impossible not to feel good when you are focused on celebrating the good things happening to your partner! 

    Go on a Trip from Time to Time

    Lastly – and this tip is especially important for parents with kids and busy home lives – try  to carve out time to go on a trip, or switch up your surroundings once in a while. Even if it’s just to the beach for a few hours,  or to a bed and breakfast for a weekend, you and your partner need time to be alone. A vacation every now and again can help to re-energize your sex drive and your passion for your partner [6], which can all too often become smothered by the humdrum responsibilities and mundanities of everyday life. 

    Cupla Helps Couples Stay Connected for the Long Haul

    All in all, reconnecting with your partner is always possible. It’s a matter of commitment and effort. If you commit to connecting with your partner like you did before, you and your beau will be rolling in the sheets and sharing secret kisses sooner than you think! Check out Cupla’s free trial on iOS and Android to see how you can use our relationship app to reconnect with your partner like never before.

    [1] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8170361/

    [2] https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2012-32735-005 

    [3] Wilcox, W. B., & Dew, J. (2012). The date night opportunity: What does couple time tell us about the potential value of date nights? Charlottesville, VA: The National Marriage Project.

    [4]  https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/your-future-self/201810/the-art-and-science-celebrating-the-good-times 

    [5] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9168558/

    [6] https://www.sexandpsychology.com/blog/2021/10/20/sex-and-travel-why-trips-often-turn-us-on/ 

  • 3 practical tips for maintaining a healthy relationship

    3 practical tips for maintaining a healthy relationship

    Whether you have been together for one year or ten years – all relationships require effort from both sides to maintain your connection. Below are three tips on how you and your partner can maintain a healthy relationship together.

    Try new things together

    No matter how much you love your partner or value your relationship, it’s not uncommon to feel a little bored in your relationship from time to time! One study found that after about one year the honeymoon phase starts to fade and couples tend to need to actively start working to maintain their relationship and bring back the spark.

    The key? Trying new things together and communicating honestly and openly!     Studies show that when couples try new things together, they report being happier. That’s why we pulled together 34 Date Night Ideas for Every Kind of Couple.

    But there is a catch! Make sure that when you’re trying new things together, both you and your partner are on board with the idea.     Research that tracked American married couples over time found that when spouses engaged in activities that husbands liked but wives did not, spouses were more prone to relationship unhappiness even a decade later! 

    So… make sure you’re trying something new together that both you and your partner are excited about. 

    Spend quality time with your partner

    Why is it so important that we book quality time with our partners? After a few years in a long-term relationship, that initial electricity you had when you first met mellows out into a small sizzle. Passion starts to look less like grand gestures and weekends away and more like routine and comfortable complacency. But after spending weeks months and years with someone, it’s only natural that it doesn’t feel like Guy Fawkes every night and that’s okay. But there’s one really easy thing you can do to keep the fire alive. 

    Dating your long-term partner – whether it’s been 6 months or 16 years is one of the best and easiest things to do to maintain your relationship. It’s equally important in maintaining a healthy and lasting relationship as it is in kicking one off!

    Using two nationally representative samples of American couples, researchers found that, relative to couples who spend less quality time together, married couples who reported engaging in couple time with their partner at least once a week were 3.5 more likely to report they were very happy in their relationship. Yes, you read that right 3.5 times more likely! This effect was even stronger in non-married women who were living with their partners and was observed above and beyond other important factors that influence relationships like income, ethnicity, and age.

    So, how can you make sure you are maximizing the chances that date night will lead to a higher-quality relationship? Book more date nights, using tools like those on Cupla! 

    Time is the currency of relationships. Investing time in your relationship allows you to build memories together, strengthen bonds, and overall enrich your relationship with your partner. 

    Plan time together, regularly

    While the quality of time you spend with your partner is important, the other factor at play is how often you do so! While one great date night a year might work for some couples, others would prefer a weekly date night where they get to spend one one-on-one time together.

    First up, communicate with your partner to see what you both would ideally like in terms of your date night frequency! Many couples solve the problem by putting a ‘date night’ in their diary. Instead of leaving it up to fate, there are so many tools out there to help couples spend regular time together.     Cupla has a suite of tools to help you do this – including a shared calendar to help you plan time together, and a date planner to keep you on track with date night.

    But one size does not fit all! While an app like Cupla might work for busy couples who are looking for an easy solution on their phone while they’re on the go, perhaps a wall calendar works for you and your partner to keep track of your time together. 

    —-

    In conclusion, there is no one solution to maintaining your relationship with your partner. A million and one tips are floating around in books, TV, movies, magazines, social media…

    To wrap up my three tips for a healthy relationship: start by communicating your needs with your partner openly and honestly    , trying new things, and making sure that you’re spending regular, quality time together. 

  • Romantic Chemistry 101 – Building Chemistry in a Relationship

    Romantic Chemistry 101 – Building Chemistry in a Relationship

    Valentine’s Day has just been and gone for another year. It’s a time when many of us take stock of our love lives and the chemistry in our relationship. Doing so may make you realize that some of that chemistry you had in your early days of dating has started to fizzle or that you are no longer feeling the romance or passion you crave. Don’t worry…we’ve got some science-backed tips for you and your partner to help reignite your spark.

    First: The Relationship Chemistry Basics

    Surprisingly, relationship researchers don’t know how to predict the feeling of ‘chemistry’ between two people.[1][2] But, I think we can all agree that we know it when we feel it. Maybe on your first date, the conversation effortlessly flowed as you talked about your favourite music. Or, you connected as you realised you have the same quirky sense of humour. In my own research, I’ve found that we can best predict who forms relationships out of a group of speed-daters by considering who feels unique chemistry. It’s not about who is the hottest or who is the most open to love (although those things help!)…. it is about two people feeling something special above and beyond their other dates[3]. And, once people form a relationship, sexual chemistry and sexual compatibility are important for staying satisfied.[4] In other words, chemistry is important for getting—and keeping—you and your partner together.

    So how can you nurture your chemistry in the bedroom and beyond?

    Take a Chemistry Test

    No, I am not talking about those cheesy magazine quizzes that will tell you if your relationship is “in need of a generator” or are an “electric storm” (for you Schitt’s Creek fans). Instead, your relationship might benefit from a sexual preferences quiz. You may think you know what your partner likes in the bedroom—you’ve been together awhile, after all—but there may be a few surprises yet. In fact, a study of long-term Canadian couples found that they knew 62% of their partner’s sexual likes and only 26% of their partner’s sexual dislikes.[5] Because sex is still something that makes a lot of us feel vulnerable and uncomfortable talking about, doing a sexual preferences quiz (like here or here) can be a non-awkward way for you to explore your sexual interests: You and your partner both fill in the survey on your own and afterward it gives you a list of activities you both independently said you would be open to trying (e.g., watching porn together, talking dirty). You may discover there is something you’ve both been secretly hoping to add to your bedroom routine. Trying something new is key to busting you out of your routine and reinvigorating your passion.   

    Find Your Sexual Catalyst

    One thing that might have changed from when you started your relationship is that you may no longer feel that “can’t wait to rip your clothes off” urge to have sex with your partner out of the blue. And that’s okay! Sexual desire often looks different in a long-term relationship. If you have read Emily Nagoski’s book “Come as You Are” (or listened to her podcast—we’re huge fans!), you know that having the right surroundings are important for getting in the mood. We often may not feel the spontaneous urge to rip our partner’s clothes off, but if we start ripping their clothes off, we can often get in the mood. She uses the analogy of a party—you may not always want to go, but once you are there, you usually have a good time. So how can you host a good party if you will? There’s obviously a lot of variability in terms of what gets people in the mood. If you’re using the Cupla app to-do lists, you are already nailing this (pun intended): Especially for women, feeling like they have to remind their partner about things and manage the household can really dampen their sexual desire[6]. In general, doing whatever you can to lower your partner’s stress is a good start—whether that’s through to-do lists, taking their mind off things with a date, or drawing them a bath!

    Your Chemistry Homework

    As anyone who took organic chemistry will tell you, you have to put in work if you want to ace chemistry. Romantic chemistry is no exception. Our fun “homework” to you is to try to recreate the feelings of chemistry you had with your partner in those early first few dates. Remember, there was something unique about the way you two hit it off, so let’s get you back to that place. A great way to do this is to literally get you back to that place and have you revisit the spot of your first date (or something similar). Or, you can metaphorically get back to that place by trying some of our date night conversation starters. Why does this work? Well, when you ask your partner questions you probably don’t know the answer to (“If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why?”), you bring back the excitement of those early days when you were constantly learning new things about your partner[7].

    Cupla is a relationship management app for couples. With its user-friendly interface and innovative features including a shared calendar and to-do’s and date planner, Cupla empowers couples by providing tools for better organization, communication, and relationship well-being.

    Trial Cupla now for free on iOS or Android.

    [1] Joel, S., Eastwick, P. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2017). Is romantic desire predictable? Machine learning applied to initial romantic attraction. Psychological science, 28(10), 1478-1489.

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/trust-games/202111/why-do-algorithms-make-mistakes

    [2] https://www.psychologicalscience.org/observer/chemistry-relationships

    [3] https://www.psypost.org/2023/01/new-study-sheds-light-on-how-three-distinct-types-of-first-impressions-predict-subsequent-dating-outcomes-64705

    [4] https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-011-9771-z

    [5] MacNeil, S., & Byers, E. S. (2009). Role of sexual self-disclosure in the sexual satisfaction of long-term heterosexual couples. Journal of Sex Research, 46(1), 3-14.

    [6] https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=3090993591132003

    [7] http://psychology.iresearchnet.com/social-psychology/social-psychology-theories/self-expansion-theory/

  • Cupla Appoints Dr Jessica Maxwell as Resident Relationship and Sex Expert

    Cupla Appoints Dr Jessica Maxwell as Resident Relationship and Sex Expert

    Cupla is proud to announce the appointment of Jessica Maxwell as our resident relationship and sex expert.

    Founders Erika and Will Palmer know from their own experience the importance of quality time and its influence on the quality of our relationships. Quality time impacts nearly all facets of our lives; from our interactions, to our moods, and our sex lives, which in turn affects how happy we are, both in ourselves, and within our relationships. This is why the team are dedicated to building Cupla and sharing it with the world. They are also conscious that our time is valuable and want to ensure they are building a product that addresses the real needs of their users, and that these needs have been validated by science, rather than just their own anecdotal evidence. They believe that by sharing what they are discovering with their users, this helpful information can directly support and encourage happy, thriving couples everywhere using Cupla. 

    Cupla have partnered with Social Psychology Senior Lecturer at the University of Auckland; Jessica Maxwell and are excited to announce Jess as their new Relationship Expert. Not only is she the super
    charming, funny, and honest (the kind of chick we all want to be best friends with) she is phenomenally knowledgeable on what is really happening behind closed doors – including our bedroom doors.

    Jess’s research and expertise is focused on factors that help couples have more fulfilling sex lives and relationships. She gives Cupla a hyper credible source and an in-house authority to speak on all
    thing’s coupledom, supported by findings from thousands of couples across the globe. Believe it or not, they all contribute to and support the message that quality time is in fact the key to relationship
    success’ and nobody facilitates quality time quite like Cupla.

    Check out Jessica’s first article here where she discusses the impact of Covid on relationships and key insights couples can take from the experience.