Having a low sex drive isn’t something to be ashamed of, but it can be frustrating and leave you feeling disconnected in your relationship. A healthy libido helps foster connection and intimacy in relationships, so when it’s lacking, it can be difficult to rekindle the spark – “The absence of sexual interest can lead to personal distress and may put some strain on intimate relationships”[1].
The good news is there are plenty of ways to get your sex drive back on track. From changing lifestyle habits to exploring new sexual activities, there’s no one-size-fits-all way of improving your libido – what works for some might not work for others. To help you find out how to best reconnect with your partner, let’s look at the possible causes of low libido and some tips to reignite the flame.
Causes of a Low Libido
There are many reasons why you might be experiencing a lower sex drive than usual. It might even be a temporary issue. An article from the University of California San Francisco says “Many [people] experience changes in their sexual drive (also known as libido) over the course of their lives. It is normal for sexual interest to wax and wane intermittently”[1].
If the issue persists, here are some potential reasons why:
- Aging and/or development of romantic relationships
- Stress
- Usually from big life changes (relationship shifts, travel/moving, loss/start of a job, etc.)
- Erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation
- Psychological trauma (from past relationship(s), sexual assault or harassment, etc.)
- Low testosterone levels
- Medications with potential effects on libido (anti-depressants, birth control, blood pressure medicine, etc.)
- Systemic/metabolic diseases (HIV, cancer, diabetes, etc.)[1]
As you can see, there are so many reasons why low libido might happen, and most of the time they are not you or your partner’s fault. It’s important to remember that you’re a team as you move forward with trying to rekindle the flames in your relationship – work together towards solutions and never blame each other when things don’t go as planned.
How to Get Your Sex Drive Back
Because there are so many reasons for low libido, there are a lot of solutions. They all depend on the cause, however, so make sure you have one nailed down before you start using a medical solution. It’s always a good idea to talk to a medical professional, especially a specialist[1].
Seek Professional Help
As we mentioned, this is one of the more extreme solutions and only applies to libido issues caused by diseases, medications, or dysfunctions. The solution here is usually going to be a change in existing medication or an additional medication, like Viagra or testosterone supplements[1][2].
Your doctor may also ask you to do things to mediate the conditions causing a decreased sex drive, like improving diet and exercise for diabetics[1]. Or they might recommend you use some things to make sex more pleasurable for you and your partner, like lubricant[2].
If you are experiencing a lot of change or feel your libido issues are related to past trauma, it might be a good idea to talk to a therapist or relationship counselor. Based on your comfort level, you can either tackle your issues on your own or with your partner in a safe space. This allows you to talk openly and discover solutions tailored to you and/or your partner’s mindset.
Take it Slow
No matter what your low libido is caused by, a great way to rebuild passion with your partner is by taking things slow. But what do we mean by this?
Well, movies and TV sometimes give us the impression that sex should be spontaneous, fiery, and perfect. But real life isn’t like that. As Harvard Health Publishing says, “A satisfying sex life begins outside the bedroom”[2].
Just because getting in the mood takes longer, it doesn’t mean the spark is gone. Talk to your partner about what made you fall in love with each other or things you’ve always wanted to try. And this doesn’t just have to be a new sex position!
Maybe your partner finds you sexiest when watching you do work outside, or they’ve always wanted to go to a wine tasting together. As the director of the Sexual Health Program says, “Think about how you would woo your partner if you were dating for the first time”[2].
And you shouldn’t just take extra time for arousal outside the bedroom. “Make foreplay central to sex. Spend more time hugging, kissing, and exploring each other’s bodies”[2]. This will help you get the feelings back from the beginning of your relationship and give you both time to get aroused.
Plan Time Together
This might seem obvious from the last paragraph, but time together is critical to rebuilding your bond. Not only for dates but for sex itself. “If motivation is a barrier, set up a sex date. Sometimes you need to make sex happen to get back in the rhythm, similar to scheduling workouts with a trainer”[2].
Some people also have certain times when they feel more aroused. For example, some people are more tired in the morning and more energetic at night, and vice versa. You need to discover the best time for you and your partner and communicate that[2].
In fact, one of our most popular articles focuses on the reasons why couples should be scheduling sex!
A great way to plan for these intimate moments is with a calendar shared just between the two of you. The Cupla app has just this, plus they have to-do lists and reminders to make sure your life together runs smoothly. With a free trial on iOS and Android, there’s no reason not to try Cupla and get your sex life back on track!
[2] https://www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/get-back-in-sexual-sync
