Building rituals together

Free guide

The small things you do together, on repeat, that make you feel like a team.

6 principles · 16 examples · free

Why rituals matter

Rituals are the moments you can count on. Researchers who study couples call them rituals of connection: regular, shared moments that both people know are coming and that carry meaning beyond the activity itself.1

They do quiet work. A review of fifty years of research on family routines and rituals linked them with stronger relationships and greater wellbeing.2 Rituals give you a reason to turn towards each other when life is busy, and something steady to come back to when it’s hard.

They also tell your story. Over time, the things you always do become part of who you are as a couple.

What makes a ritual stick

  1. Anchor it to something you already do

    Coffee in the morning, the drive home, Sunday dinner. A ritual that rides on an existing habit doesn’t need remembering.

  2. Keep it small enough to repeat

    Five minutes every day beats a big gesture once a year. If it needs planning, it will slip.

  3. Make it mean something to both of you

    A routine is what you do. A ritual is what it says about you. Agree on what it stands for.

  4. Give it a clear start

    The same words, the same place, the same song. A signal tells you both that this is the moment.

  5. Protect it

    Treat it like an appointment. When life gets busy, shrink it rather than skip it.

  6. Let it change

    Rituals that fit one season of life won’t fit every one. Review them together each year and keep what still works.

Three questions to find your rituals

What do we already do that we’d miss if it stopped?

Which part of the day or week do we feel most disconnected?

What did our families do that we want to keep, or do differently?

Ideas to start with

Pick one or two to try, and make them your own.

  • Daily

    • A proper goodbye and hello: a kiss that lasts longer than a peck
    • Ten minutes at the end of the day to say how it went, phones away
    • Coffee or tea together before the day starts
    • One thing you’re grateful for, said out loud at dinner

  • Weekly

    • The Weekly Sync, at the same time each week
    • A Sunday walk, whatever the weather
    • A cook-together night with one new recipe
    • A standing date night, even if it’s takeaway on the couch

  • Monthly and seasonal

    • A monthly date from the Annual’s twelve themes
    • The Quarterlies: a check-in on goals each season
    • A first-day-of-summer swim, or first-snow hot chocolate
    • A night each month planned by one of you, as a surprise for the other

  • Yearly

    • An anniversary that repeats something from your first date
    • A New Year’s session with the Annual
    • A trip back to a place that matters to you
    • A letter to each other, read the following year
  1. 1Gottman, J. M. and Silver, N. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. 1999.
  2. 2Fiese, B. H. et al. A review of 50 years of research on naturally occurring family routines and rituals: Cause for celebration? Journal of Family Psychology, 2002.